Memories of ’09

This is from so long ago. I found it in an 
archived folder on my computer. It's unfinished,
too. Thought I'd share it. After reading it, I 
remembered exactly who and what it was about. It's 
very interesting to read your thoughts from the past.
Words have so much power and memory stored within them. 
Don't judge it, just read it.

“I’m an artist, and I’m sensitive about my work.”
-Ms. Badu

One.

I remember standing there looking at you waiting for you to do all the things you said you would. To love me completely and fully without any fears, without any reservations. I sat there and I waited and I waited and I waited until they told me that I was waiting on something that never even existed. Never happened. But they don’t know. They don’t know what I know. They don’t know the way you would make love to me with your eyes as if I was the most innocent and beautiful specimen on God’s green earth. And that he hand- picked and created my heartbeat to intellectually match with yours. Boom-boom. My heart longs for that feeling again.

Two.

A soft glimpse of the past with the near future… it hurts. It hurts so bad that I silently scream in my mind tearing down every pictImageure, every memory every morsel of thought that I could ever be loved by the likes of something like you. Hard to believe 5 years ago my mind in its entirety was consumed with your scent and how it lingered every Sunday afternoon . I waited for it all to digest but your nutrition was not good for the condition in which you left me. Yes. Your nutrition was not good for the condition in which you left me. Meaning you crept into my body and one by one began to silently demolish the strength that once stood there standing as tall as the tallest tree in the Garden of Eden. Until you came in, and just like the sneaky, sneaky serpent stole my innocence. And I was stupid for believing. For believing…. I don’t even know what I believed. All I knew was that whatever you said, was it. You want it. I got it. Foolish.

 Three.

So where am I now? He left me. He left me with… me. I lied in that bed cuddling up to the chill of my own loneliness. I was waiting to feel the heat of you climb in between the sheets and gently slip your arm around me as if  you were holding on for dear life. But it never happened. I longed to feel the warmth of your breath penetrate the back of my neck as your heartbeat slowed down and you let each muscle relax one by one diving deeper and deeper into a sleep.   A sleep that gave you the opportunity to remove and forget the pain you inflicted.. made you think you had it all together. To get her. To get her to do whatever it is you wanted. That her was me. But in your sleep you dream of the days when our love was pure and beautiful. We made others think we had it all together. Funny how a smile can fool the world. Shoot, I was so good at pretending I almost fooled myself.

Four.

You couldn’t have told me five years ago that five years later I’d still be me… without you. The thought of even being without you left me feeling like… half of me. If I’ve learned one thing through this journey it’s that I have to learn to love me first. Before I can introduce anyone to her, she has to learn to love her fully and completely. Take the wrongs and accept them as lessons. The moments I spent in the shower with the scoldering water dripping down my brown skin allowed me to acknowledge every issue and let the tears wash down the drain with the dirt of my mistakes. No one could judge because I had hidden them so long. They were almost invisible. The same invisible I felt in a room full of people. But no more. No longer will I accept people’s half-rated version of me. I know who I am and I love her for everything she has taken me through. Or the moments I could only cry when the room went dark to try and pretend like the hurt and the disappointment wasn’t there. Thinking that maybe if I don’t see the tears I don’t have to accept that the pain isn’t there.

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Blurred Sight but Multiple Visions

“The only thing worse than being blind is having sight, but no vision.” -Helen Keller

There are certain people you meet in life that inspire you far beyond you could ever imagine. These people could be lifelong friends or even a stranger. But ever so often, a person drifts into your life and you are never, ever the same.

I had the privilege of meeting this beautiful angel my freshmen year of college through mutual friends. At the time, I had no idea what kind of impact she would have on my life.

A graceful spirit who uses her words wisely and only when they are of worth, Jamellia, or Jay as I call her, is a person I will never forget. Diagnosed at a young age with Retinitis Pigmentosa, a rare genetic eye disease that causes vision impairments, Jay wants nothing from anyone. At first glance, you’d never know she was battling a disease such as this. She never complains and doesn’t desire any pity. Instead, she wears a bright smile and her beautiful natural (sometimes straightened) locks proudly.

Her eccentric style and resilient spirit inspires me and so many others to push past the day-to-day problems and enjoy life for what it simply is- a blessing. Because of her perseverance and strength, I have learned to appreciate what I have and use it to inspire others.

Love you, Jay!
Watch this video to get a glimpse of her story.

NYC HD Quattro Eyeshadow Palettes

Beauty & The Tomboy.

20140408-202638.jpg How can a palette that costs just £2.99 compete with a high end product costing nearly £50? This was something I was left asking myself after reading a fellow blogger comparing one of these palettes to a very succesful Chanel palette (from the Christmas 2013 collection).

Feeling pretty sceptical, I decided to trot on down to my local drug store to see what all the fuss was about. My conclusion? Products like this really highlight just how huge the mark up on makeup really is!

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Dear Self

Dear Self,

Even if you don’t believe it, you were placed on this Earth for a special purpose. The light that shines so brightly in you will be used to make a way for someone else. So even when it hurts or you feel like your best isn’t quite good enough, look past the doubt and embrace the strength inside of you.

So often you look around and compare the journey of others to your own. That only dims the illustrious fire that lies within them. This beautiful journey is yours and no one else’s. Don’t you dare let out the fire in your eyes because someone is looking for it. Someone is looking for your smile and your warm embrace to relight their own.

You let those lips which have kissed yours speak everything but light into your life and throw you off, but you made it back.

You stepped out of the steam and removed the fog from your broken mirror to see the reflection of what used to be you. That mistake you made will no longer have authority over you if you wont let it. Simple as that, remember your worth and value.

No matter what is spoken to you, seek the truth. Trust me, you are worth the truth.

In the end, I promise every disappointment will be worth the wait. You’ve kissed some frogs but now it’s time to prepare your heart for the one who deserves it the most.

And if I don’t tell you enough, I am so proud of the person you have come to be. Your authenticity is inspiring and valued. One who loves so hard and so genuinely. One who dreams so big and works so diligently.
One who is always willing to put a smile on the face of another despite the fact that the one she wears hides so much pain. I admire the way you still find the courage to love after it’s been thrown back in your face so many times. It shows the warrior in you. Your resilience shines so bright and that’s why so many people love you. So love yourself.

I applaud you for being so transparent and not being ashamed of wearing your heart on your sleeve. Even on the days when you feel so small and invisible, remember you are fighting for something, for someone. And whether or not you see it, you mean the world to someone. You’ve grown into such a beautiful and majestic being. Adjust your crown and walk in the power and authority that is rightfully yours. Find peace in the silence and absence of noise that clutters your personal thoughts. They are only there to separate you from you.

Your strength and independence is powerful but there is so much  beauty in your vulnerability. Sometimes, the walls you build to keep them out only hurts you from finding love the right way, the kind of love you deserve.

Embrace the rain. Fight through the pain and smile because you’re doing just fine.

Warmly yours,

Self