Memories of ’09

This is from so long ago. I found it in an 
archived folder on my computer. It's unfinished,
too. Thought I'd share it. After reading it, I 
remembered exactly who and what it was about. It's 
very interesting to read your thoughts from the past.
Words have so much power and memory stored within them. 
Don't judge it, just read it.

“I’m an artist, and I’m sensitive about my work.”
-Ms. Badu


I remember standing there looking at you waiting for you to do all the things you said you would. To love me completely and fully without any fears, without any reservations. I sat there and I waited and I waited and I waited until they told me that I was waiting on something that never even existed. Never happened. But they don’t know. They don’t know what I know. They don’t know the way you would make love to me with your eyes as if I was the most innocent and beautiful specimen on God’s green earth. And that he hand- picked and created my heartbeat to intellectually match with yours. Boom-boom. My heart longs for that feeling again.


A soft glimpse of the past with the near future… it hurts. It hurts so bad that I silently scream in my mind tearing down every pictImageure, every memory every morsel of thought that I could ever be loved by the likes of something like you. Hard to believe 5 years ago my mind in its entirety was consumed with your scent and how it lingered every Sunday afternoon . I waited for it all to digest but your nutrition was not good for the condition in which you left me. Yes. Your nutrition was not good for the condition in which you left me. Meaning you crept into my body and one by one began to silently demolish the strength that once stood there standing as tall as the tallest tree in the Garden of Eden. Until you came in, and just like the sneaky, sneaky serpent stole my innocence. And I was stupid for believing. For believing…. I don’t even know what I believed. All I knew was that whatever you said, was it. You want it. I got it. Foolish.


So where am I now? He left me. He left me with… me. I lied in that bed cuddling up to the chill of my own loneliness. I was waiting to feel the heat of you climb in between the sheets and gently slip your arm around me as if  you were holding on for dear life. But it never happened. I longed to feel the warmth of your breath penetrate the back of my neck as your heartbeat slowed down and you let each muscle relax one by one diving deeper and deeper into a sleep.   A sleep that gave you the opportunity to remove and forget the pain you inflicted.. made you think you had it all together. To get her. To get her to do whatever it is you wanted. That her was me. But in your sleep you dream of the days when our love was pure and beautiful. We made others think we had it all together. Funny how a smile can fool the world. Shoot, I was so good at pretending I almost fooled myself.


You couldn’t have told me five years ago that five years later I’d still be me… without you. The thought of even being without you left me feeling like… half of me. If I’ve learned one thing through this journey it’s that I have to learn to love me first. Before I can introduce anyone to her, she has to learn to love her fully and completely. Take the wrongs and accept them as lessons. The moments I spent in the shower with the scoldering water dripping down my brown skin allowed me to acknowledge every issue and let the tears wash down the drain with the dirt of my mistakes. No one could judge because I had hidden them so long. They were almost invisible. The same invisible I felt in a room full of people. But no more. No longer will I accept people’s half-rated version of me. I know who I am and I love her for everything she has taken me through. Or the moments I could only cry when the room went dark to try and pretend like the hurt and the disappointment wasn’t there. Thinking that maybe if I don’t see the tears I don’t have to accept that the pain isn’t there.


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